Saturday, June 30, 2012

Stellar Parenting.

Today I feel like a bad parent. 

I know I'm not a bad parent.  I know there are some really bad parents out there.  But what matters is that on days like today I feel like a bad parent.
 I feel like my kids are going to be permanently scarred by the things I've done, or the ways I've reacted to the things they've done today.  I'm afraid that in 12 years they're going to start bringing up the one time I overreacted when they........(fill in the blank)......and they were therefore scarred for life.

If I posted an honest Facebook status update it would have read: My kids should hate me.
But I wouldn't do that - because no one posts honest Facebook status updates when they're at their lowest point.  And if they do, they disguise it in the form of song lyrics or end up sounding whiny.
But back to my point.

The truth is that I've got a million excuses.  I could write them all down on here for all of you to read.  But I also know that you don't really care about my excuses.  I don't care about my excuses. 
Because over time these excuses aren't going to be what we remember.  It is going to be the way I shouted at Miles because he intentionally peed on the kitchen floor while he was in the naughty chair.  Or the handful of other ways I have allowed myself to be consumed by what is going on with myself outside of my children, and have taken it out on them.

Please friends, I'm begging you to understand that I love them.
So much sometimes it hurts.
In all my life I have never felt such love, hurt, guilt, exhaustion, worry, and intense moments happiness. 
When they are this young they are not good listeners.  They don't always follow extensive directions exactly how I want them to.  And it is easy to take it personally and to wish these moments away. 

But last night as I was sitting in the movie theater watching Ice Age 4, I glanced over at the two enthralled bodies next to me.  One had a giant popcorn bucket in his lap, both of them munching away and laughing at the screen.  THAT was an intense moment of happiness to the end of my otherwise not-very-good-day.

That moment exceeded all others.

So I hope you both remember that I love you.  And that I'm not perfect.  And I hope you remember the good times when I shine as a parent (because - believe it or not - I have those too). 

And when you're a parent I hope you remember that there are really bad times.....but that's normal, because people only write about the good times.