I know I'm not alone. I have two little children - one babbling, and the other one "talking" to remind me of that constantly. And my job is easy. Assignment: be a stay-at-home mom for one summer.
Here is what I always thought... I always assumed I'd stay home with my children. I pictured mornings at the park and zoo and afternoons of long drawn-out naps while I worked on jewelry or photography. I pictured myself in....oh, let's say a cute little summer dress with my hair pulled back in a perfect ponytail of silky blonde highlights. I thought there would be morning runs, showers everyday, and of course long drawn-out breakfasts with endless cups of coffee. I thought there would be art projects and easy exploration. Maybe I even thought I would get some of the summer projects I've been adding to an endless list done. Maybe a part of me even thought it would be easy. I thought there would be lunches out with frends and healthy, delicious lunches in. I thought discipline would be easy. I thought going to the pool sounded like fun. I've always considered myself an idealistic realist. Does that even make sense?
Do you know what I had for lunch yesterday? Canned spaghettios and green beans. I barely even remembered to heat it up in the microwave. I eat standing up, which I know isn't how it should be done. My oldest barely knows what to do with a marker - and as an art teacher there is a large deal of guilt there. My hair hangs limp from a frazzled and half-out rubber band I found off the floor. The thought of running errands with both boys leaves a lump in my throats - and not in a good way. Today we were at Target and Miles told me that he had to go to the restroom. My first thought actually was "can't you just go in your diaper?" (Right before I came to my senses and actually took him to the restroom.)
I've hesitated to write exactly what I've been feeling because I know it will change - I know it will get easier and better very very soon. I don't ever want someone to remind me of feeling this way when I decide I want to have more children. I don't ever want to regret this raw emotion, or feel any guilt attached to it. But I do want to be honest. Women never talk about this. We all want to appear as though we have it all together. Who can hold it together the longest and with the most grace? I'm here to tell you that I'm really bad at it....right now. All of the discipline strategies that I had up my sleeve when there was just one have disappeared. I keep forgetting to talk things out with both of them. I find myself trying to nurse Liam and check my email at the same time. At what point multi-tasking more harmful than helpful?
I am SO lucky to have the summer with my boys. I know that I really am only on borrowed time. So here is today's prayer...that I learn to embrace this moment. I pray that I can take a step back. I pray that I can find a schedule that will work for us. I pray for patience and I pray for appreciation.
And just for the heck of it.....I pray that someone will come and spring clean the rest of my house so I don't have to.