Thursday, June 17, 2010

All alone in a crowded room...

I know I'm not alone.  I have two little children - one babbling, and the other one "talking" to remind me of that constantly.  And my job is easy.  Assignment: be a stay-at-home mom for one summer.
Here is what I always thought...  I always assumed I'd stay home with my children.  I pictured mornings at the park and zoo and afternoons of long drawn-out naps while I worked on jewelry or photography.  I pictured myself in....oh, let's say a cute little summer dress with my hair pulled back in a perfect ponytail of silky blonde highlights.  I thought there would be morning runs, showers everyday, and of course long drawn-out breakfasts with endless cups of coffee.  I thought there would be art projects and easy exploration.  Maybe I even thought I would get some of the summer projects I've been adding to an endless list done.  Maybe a part of me even thought it would be easy.  I thought there would be lunches out with frends and healthy, delicious lunches in.  I thought discipline would be easy.  I thought going to the pool sounded like fun.  I've always considered myself an idealistic realist.  Does that even make sense?
Do you know what I had for lunch yesterday?  Canned spaghettios and green beans.  I barely even remembered to heat it up in the microwave.  I eat standing up, which I know isn't how it should be done.  My oldest barely knows what to do with a marker - and as an art teacher there is a large deal of guilt there.  My hair hangs limp from a frazzled and half-out rubber band I found off the floor.  The thought of running errands with both boys leaves a lump in my throats - and not in a good way.  Today we were at Target and Miles told me that he had to go to the restroom.  My first thought actually was "can't you just go in your diaper?" (Right before I came to my senses and actually took him to the restroom.)
I've hesitated to write exactly what I've been feeling because I know it will change - I know it will get easier and better very very soon.  I don't ever want someone to remind me of feeling this way when I decide I want to have more children.  I don't ever want to regret this raw emotion, or feel any guilt attached to it.  But I do want to be honest.  Women never talk about this.  We all want to appear as though we have it all together.  Who can hold it together the longest and with the most grace?  I'm here to tell you that I'm really bad at it....right now.  All of the discipline strategies that I had up my sleeve when there was just one have disappeared.  I keep forgetting to talk things out with both of them.  I find myself trying to nurse Liam and check my email at the same time.  At what point multi-tasking more harmful than helpful? 
I am SO lucky to have the summer with my boys.  I know that I really am only on borrowed time. So here is today's prayer...that I learn to embrace this moment.  I pray that I can take a step back.  I pray that I can find a schedule that will work for us.  I pray for patience and I pray for appreciation.
And just for the heck of it.....I pray that someone will come and spring clean the rest of my house so I don't have to.

8 comments:

Kara said... Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Tiffany,

What you are feeling is totally normal!! It gets easier as they get older, but being a mother isn't easy. I think the hardest part is the constant guilt. But you are doing a great job. Just hang in there and go with it! Sometimes that's all we can do:).

Cori said... Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

The guilt is the hardest part. I think no matter how much we try to prepare, the reality is that we always will want more than we can give for our kids.

I am hoping it gets better as we get more years under our belts, but I'm right with you. As my as I love my S, there are moments (a lot of them) when I don't enjoy motherhood...and that makes me feel guilty.

Jen said... Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Completely normal. All of it. Oh, there are good days! However, we are only human... and even though those little bodies don't look like much they are busy bodies, mess magnets, instant gratification demanders. But, they are the most adorable distractions from getting something done! I keep reminding myself that in a few short years they won't wanna spend time with their Mama... and will be begging to run off with their friends instead.

Christine said... Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

I loved this post, Tiffany. It's so true. I had an idea in my head for so long of what motherhood would be like...and most times it isn't turning out like I expected! It's just plain hard. And I only have one! Thank you for sharing your feelings. :)

dawndayhoff said... Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

"Women never talk about this." Do you just tune me out so that you don't have to hear it? Ha - that remark made me smile. I always think I talk about it too much. I love my kids more than anything but summers are tough! I eat poorly, rarely get out with friends, can't relax when I do, and I feel as though my children are behind everyone else's kids in just about everything. You wrote about Miles not being good with a marker - my kids don't like to read! Any mother who says she never feels overwhelmed and a little guilty is a LIAR.
I have decided that people put all of those posts on facebook about their perfect kids and wonderful husbands to remind themselves of the good stuff. There really is a lot of the good stuff, there is just some bad stuff too. Nobody will think you are crazy when you want more children. Of course you want more children. Whenever you need a reminded of the good stuff just read your own blog. It is full of great stuff! It helps a lot of us to remember the good things too.

Kristen said... Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

I completely relate to your post - thanks for being brave enough to write it. Just like every mother I know, I LOVE my kids, but there are many (many, many many) times when I don't enjoy the work of being a mom. Its isolating & exhausting & boring all at once.

I think as they get older, the constant supervision & the inability to get anything done will get better. Right now, especially w/two, its tough.

At least we are all in it together - bad hair & all.

nancy and eric schwartz said... Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

amen...
;)

Elizabeth Frick said... Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

I'm glad you found me, and I you. Based on this post, I'm gonna like reading your blog :) Looking forward to more.