Tuesday, October 21, 2014

Day 292: Fieldtrip

My job has been challenging in ways I wasn't prepared for this year.  A combination of people (adults) assuming I know things I don't know, combined with me thinking I should know things I don't know has made for feelings of inadequacy in many areas.  We aren't talking advanced color theory, or the pre-historic art develops people - we're talking "how in the heck do you make a color copy up in this joint  and what do you mean by 'verify your grades'."   When you're at a job for a long time you know things that you don't realize you know until you're in a new place with a new dynamic and a new way of doing things.
I ask too many questions.
I need too much clarity.
I'm annoying even to myself.

I often leave for the day wondering how I could so easily take two steps back from the place I left three years ago.  Trying to catch up with myself has proven to be difficult.  The root of everything feels raw and tender.  I'm not sure where I should be when.

The teenage brain?  A whole other rant.

But then today I had a glimpse of why I do this.

A simple fieldtrip, that took me only an hour to plan, but dazzled a handful of my students in ways I alone couldn't.  Their eyes sparkled and the inspiration was tangible.

Today I'm thankful for fellow artists that walk along this journey of inspiring our youth, and every once in awhile throw me a favor.  

Today reminded me how lucky I am to be here.

Friday, October 10, 2014

Almost a month later...

I was reminded again recently that things have been silent on here.  I’m flattered that someone even noticed.  I could blame it on being really busy, but in truth, that’s not the reason I haven’t logged on to this blog for weeks. 
Here is the ugly honest truth friends…life has been sort of hard.  I can’t say what specifically has been hard.  There is no pinpointing where things feel inadequate or where I’ve failed as a mother/wife/sister/friend/teacher.  It’s impossible to trace this funk back to anything in particular.  Which is why I’ve decided to call it the Great Funk of 34.  (34 is my age for those of you confused by the reference.)
Warning: here I’m going to talk about myself in the second person – like I am expert on funks of all funks and know what in the world I’m saying...

Sometimes you reach a point in your life where things get really hard.  Tiny things get hard.  Things you have always loved get so dang hard.  You feel inadequate in areas of your life you never realized you were measuring.  Wounds dig a little deeper and you wonder if they were there all along, just hiding and waiting for you to stop paying attention. 
You walk through life feeling like everything is out of your control and what is the use anyways?  Nothing goes your way and everything that you were once confident in suddenly exhausts you.  Everyone and everything seems against you when really no one is.  It is imagined.  No one notices your funk, and you wonder with an aching heart why no one has noticed and no one has asked and no one has called you up to say, “Dude, what’s wrong?  Let’s meet for a glass of wine right this minute and you must tell me your heart.”  You wonder why that never happens no matter how sad you look back at yourself in the mirror.  Then you remember that you haven’t actually told anyone that you’re in a funk.  You are a big liar and faker and for some reason everyone believes you.  They believe that you’re okay.  They believe you when you say “everything’s going well.”  Maybe it’s because you smile when you say it. 
At church your pastor says exactly what you need to hear – that you need to share your soul with these people.  But what if your soul is gnarled up and sad and people are busy and you can tell they don’t have time to go there with you.
And then you start to wonder how many “everything’s going well”s you’ve missed because you haven’t stopped to look into their souls.  You wonder how many times God gave you a nudge that you ignored because you weren’t certain.  How many times did you miss the help you could have given? 
And with this thought you suddenly feel a tiny bit whole.  Like there is a purpose to all of this.  You need to be another person’s soul searcher, even if you don’t know who yet.  You are a voyager and all you need is the voyage.  It will come.

It will come.
That’s when you carry on.

Today I am thankful for people that inspire me simply by being alive.

and also for...

...moments of clarity in the Great Funk of 34.