It's not because I wasn't excited....I was all sorts of excited. I wasn't as excited about being pregnant as I was about the fact that I was getting two babies at once. THAT excited me.
We were two days away from getting on the plane to Korea to bring home our oldest son. See...I had a lot of reasons to be excited then.
But I still never really told people. I let most of my friends figure it out on their own - like when they couldn't wrap their warms around me to hug me anymore and they finally felt brave enough to ask me. I think I finally mentioned it on here when I was 25 weeks, but it was in this weird off-hand sort of way that only someone as socially awkward as me could. You can relive that by clicking here if you want.
You see, the reason I never announced it publicly was because I had a whole list of other emotions in the days/weeks/months after that pink plus sign stared me down that cold Friday afternoon, and none of them are the emotions you would probably expect.
- Shock. Not the kind of shock that is like "Oh, my husband barely had to look at me and I got pregnant!". It was more the "We've been trying this for years and NOW it's going to work?!" kind of shock. Tack on a gallon of extra hormones and some post adoption depression, you have yourself a real nut-job in the making. Luckily that leveled out fairly quickly, even without the help of wine.
- Sadness. I had spent months investing my love into Miles. I loved him more than I ever imagined my heart being big enough to love anyone. I was sad because I wasn't sure if I was capable of loving two little humans as much as I already loved the one. That's a sad thing to think about when you have virtually no experience loving someone you've never met so freely. Now, with a bit more experience, I know how our hearts swell and make room for new, equally intense loves.
- Embarrassment. This is weird, but I felt totally embarrassed that I had gone and gotten myself pregnant at the exact moment I was bringing home Miles. One of the great parts about adopting is that there are these amazing support groups of people your age, with your interests, that are also going through the same things as you. I had this fear of rejection....like I no longer fit into the group and they would all vote me off the adoption island as soon as they saw what I had gone and done. Luckily the people in these groups are not jerks and this obviously didn't happen.
- Greedy. I felt greedy. Like people would look at me and think, "oh, she just wasn't happy unless she had one come out of her," or something less socially weird I guess. The truth was that I was greedy, but not about being pregnant. I want a lot of children. I'm not talking like Duggar-size offspring, but I knew three children was my minimum. I also knew that if adoption was our only option, then it was going to be really difficult for us to find the money to fund three adoptions as close together as I would have wanted them to be. I was being greedy.
- Fear. I wasn't afraid that I would fail as a parent of two. Trust me, there would be plenty of that fear later on. I was afraid of becoming a cliche. I knew we were going to be the story that everyone told to someone when they heard the word 'adoption'. Because people like a good story. And are well-intentioned. Even if a little clueless. I was afraid our story would haunt the lives of future adopting families, like the million stories people told me when we were going through the process.
But I guess this is our story.
And since I have every intention of this being my last pregnancy, I'm going to try and soak it up until the middle of August when the next chapter will start.
And I feel like I can finally be outwardly excited. So I shall.