Thursday, July 31, 2014

Day 208: Scared

I have exactly two weeks and one day until I step into a classroom.  Whenever someone asks me about starting a new job I always, ALWAYS use the phrase, "I'm really excited" with some combination of smiling and nodding. 

It never occurred to me until today that I'm a liar. 

When I think about things like walking around a classroom full of working students while music plays in the background, or teaching two-point perspective for the first time - I'm genuinely excited. 

(and there's always a "but")

When I think about not being there to pick up or drop off my kids at preschool and Kindergarten I get an emotion that is so weird and so specific that the closest second I can think of is sadness.  When I think about not being there when the school calls to pick someone up because of sickness or behavior (which happens in our house), it makes my stomach hurt.  When I imagine someone else putting my youngest down for a nap and being there when he wakes up, my eyes well up tears that are laced with jealousy and guilt. 

I am so weak. 

I am excited, but today as I sat in orientation and counted down the days until school starts I wanted to lay my head on the table in front of me and let go into big pathetic sobs. 

I know I can do this.  I just have moments where I don't feel ready.

(and remember how I always said there's a "but")

I am ready.  When I look past the guilt and jealousy and sadness I can see that they are all artificial.  I will miss my boys, but I will have more to give them in the times we are together. 

I will miss naptime and carefree schedules, but we won't be stressed with the same financial difficulties we had before. 

I will miss morning tantrums and afternoon meltdowns....oh wait, no I won't miss those at all.

(see, there are benefits)

So tonight I am going to dinner with my girlfriends and instead of mourning the summer that has passed, I'm going to choose to embrace the start of the school year that I get to help them conquer. 

Today I am thankful for friends that can empathize with a soon-to-be full-time working mom.

Like everything else I've ever encountered in is not for the weak of heart.