This week I started reading Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew. Actually, so far I've probably only made it thirty pages in and it has changed the way I am thinking. On Tuesday I only got a few pages in before I had to set it down and take a walk. I had to take a walk because I had to cry alone.
I have always been nothing but thrilled by the idea of adopting. It has never been a source of sadness for me because I never before felt like I was giving anything up. Suddenly something was brought to my attention in the book, and it took my breath away.
I had to cry....
I cried because I suddenly understood just how powerful the loss that Miles went through was.
I cried because it wasn't MY heartbeat that he heard for those nine months that he was in the womb.
I cried because MY eyes weren't the first thing that greeted him into this world.
I cried because I wasn't the one that got to cheer him on the first time he rolled over, or crawled.
I cried because I never nursed him.
I cried because he's already had to lose a birth mother and a foster mother.
I cried because there is nothing I can do to keep him from hurting because of it.
I cried because I love him so much.
I cried because someone else got to love him before I even knew him.
Dearest Miles, always know that the loss of these things doesn't make me love you any less. None of them make you less my son. But know that when you are ready to grieve, it is okay to be sad. It is okay to cry. I cried.
And as the author wrote at one point in the book, "The need to express feelings is just as physiological as hunger." It is okay to feel. It is okay to cry.