Tuesday, September 9, 2014

Day 251: Rain

Today I am thankful for the sound of thunder and rain as it surrounds me and my coffee this early morning.
A summary of my week through my boys - masking myself from it, leaning into it, and eventually falling back in defeat.

I have been avoiding this entry for 10 days.

Actually, the first three days were just me traveling, and then simply being overwhelmed with life.  The next three days were a loss of a will due to some weird combination of sadness and anger and (if I'm honest) ugly resentment.

But the last four days - those have definitely been me avoiding this blog.

Last weekend I went to a beautiful wedding full of family I hadn't seen in many many moons.  I held new babies, got to know my very cool 16 year old cousin really well as we shared a backseat to and from distant lands, and even had time to meet a friend for coffee.  In the midst of it all I stayed with my long-lost roommate from the first time I went to Northern Ireland 14 years ago.  This is a person that knew me inside and out after four months of sharing a very colorful room in a house with one crazy woman and her even crazier cat.  That, my friends, creates lasting friendship.  It was this kind of friendship that was reignited through hours and hours of conversation on her couch.  Add some caramel popcorn, Coke, and Mexican food and you have a recipe for nostalgia.  All of it was perfect.

However, sometimes perfect weekends lead into not-so-perfect weeks.  You spend days playing "catch-up" - canning vegetables you've been avoiding, and going to soccer games even your kids aren't excited about anymore.  Weeks ago you had made plans before you realized this was the WORST WEEK EVER to make plans.  You find out about missed opportunities.  You hear about friends who seem to have moved on.  You barely see your kids and the guilt makes you crazy.  You love your job, but you regret working.  And then you hear that a friend - a friend you still had so much to learn from - takes a turn for the worse and is in ICU.

I've spent the week being inconveniently depressed.  That is a super unpopular thing to admit, but I also know I'm not the only one that goes through a "funk" now and again.  I can't be.

On a beautiful Sunday morning, during a lovely outdoor service we received news that our friend Jill had passed away because of cancer.  All along I've been hanging on to this hope and belief that she would make it through this.  Some of it is selfish of course - as a mother of two grown (and put together) boys and a faithful Sister in Christ, I knew there were things I could learn from her that I hadn't already by simple observation.  And so now I'm so sad to say goodbye.  And I'm sad for her boys, and her husband, and all of the people that loved her so fiercely.

But because of the life she led, I want to be a better person.  I want to be present.  I want to be engaged.  I want to give of myself as she did.

So I'm starting again here without fear or anxiety.  I'm not going to make-up the last 9 days I missed.  Those prayers of gratefulness did happen, but between God and me.  They were sparse, and desperate.  But they were there.  You'll just have to trust me.