Thursday, May 30, 2013

Step Away

{Written Friday, May 17th}

Thursday was the beginning of a four day weekend for us. It was bound to be wonderful.  The boys were still in school Thursday and Friday, so those days were going to be dedicated to truly sitting around, watching The West Wing, and applying for jobs.  I applied for so many jobs.

Here's the thing I forgot to mention.  We have less than six weeks left.
Okay. I didn't forget to mention it.  I just didn't know how to mention it.
So there you go.
We have to start thinking about things like jobs and health insurance. Eventually we'll need to find a place to live.

So Friday as I sat here filling out what felt like my millionth job application (it was probably only my fifth) I felt defeated, and a little beat up.  A year ago I had such specific and amazing dreams for what our lives would natural transfer into this summer. Somewhere along the way I got caught up in the anxiety of not living in my own house/apartment, of having to pay off a college loan that I was foolish enough to think would someday just disappear, and knowing that without some forward thinking our savings could disapate rather quickly.

I hate that.

I feel like a slave to these decisions.  I feel like a slave to money.

So on Friday afternoon I when I finished filling out that application I turned off my computer.

I decided to step away from the controls, because I'm not really the one in control anyways.

This is my short sabbatical. This is my breathing space.
Leaving was easy.  Coming home is probably going to be a little harder because I don't have this all figured out.  I need to let myself go through this hard stuff.

But it is also exciting.  I need to remember that voice from a year ago that so easily shared my dreams across the dinner table to anyone who would listen.
Are you there?
Because right now I feel weighed down with practicalities and expectations. I feel abandoned and alone, but in reflection, maybe I'm not the one who's been abandoned. Maybe I'm the one who has forgotten and abandoned the one I need the most.

Because on Friday I heard a voice say, "Step away".

And I decided to listen.

Because I was also reminded of a time in my life when I had to wait through a transition in order to get my first job out of college.  And then I had to wait to get the right job.  And then I had to wait a REALLY long time to bring home my first baby.  I should be good at this stuff by now.

I told Dustin today that "If everything was super easy and took no effort, then I would have nothing to write in my memoir."  He laughed because I don't have a memoir. 

But someday I might.  And then I can write about how I learned so much during this time, and how some small disappointments led to some outstanding victories.

And you, my friend, have a front row seat to this emotional transition - this free fall.

I hope you've brought popcorn.