It's been a good run. You've been deeply loved by a little toe-head boy who has had you in his clutches since the day he was born. But this is your goodbye notice - your "dear john" if you will. Oh, it isn't my choice. Believe me, I didn't choose this. You see, I loved you too. I loved how you would easily make any terrible situation better. I loved that the minute I pulled you out, my son was a magnetic cuddle bug - pulled by gravity to my shoulder, only to bend to the curve of my chest and arms....a perfect embrace.
But now I must bid you farewell.
On Sunday when we thought we lost you right before naptime I was devastated. NOT NAPTIME! was what I was thinking, but when I went it to tell my little anticipating one year old that you were gone - never to be found - three things happened.
- He looked up at me and said "never to be found?"
- He shrugged his shoulders and said "okay."
- And then he fell asleep without a sound.
I know...I thought there would be more as well. And when I found you during naptime while he was fast asleep it took everything in my power to put you up in the closet - keeping you close by for any night-time emergencies, rather than on his pillow next to his slumbering body. And when he didn't ask for you for days after that? What can I say? It broke my heart as well. And last night was the kicker. When he was throwing up and crying and he asked for you. Do you know how hard it was for me to say you were gone when all along you were only an arm's length away? And he just accepted it - so trusting. Letting that happen was one of the hardest things I've had to do.
I know there are parents out there that would give their left arm to break their kids of you, but the truth is that I wasn't ready. It was just another reminder of how little control I have over my babies growing up. A reminder that I won't get to decide when he stops sitting on my lap, or asking me to read stories, or giving me a big smacking kiss on the lips. Or calling me "mommy." Like you, these things will someday become things of the past, and you are just another reminder of that.
So stop feeling sorry for yourself, because I'm doing enough of that for the both of us.
Yours truly....The mom.