Thursday, September 23, 2010

**Epic Fail**

Yesterday was a bad day. 
I had a hard day at work, I was hyper-focusing on negative things all day, and right before I was leaving I received an email that completely let the wind out of my sails.  This year is hard.  Students are pushing me in ways I never have been pushed before.  Not discipline wise - which would be exhausting in a different way, but in a soul-sucking I'm-giving-you-all-I-got sort of way.  This is where I struggle in my much of my own passion and love of art am I willing to sacrifice?  How much of my creativity do I allow others to take from me?  How much do I give, knowing that I won't get it back?  Okay, I know this seems incredibly melodramatic and selfish, but that is exactly what was going through my head as I drove home yesterday from work, knowing that when I got home I would have to give even more. 
Here's the other thing....until yesterday I had forgotten about Chuseok - A Korean Fall Harvest Holiday that is a big deal.  I wanted it to be a big deal in my family.  I want to do everything I can to honor the fact that we are now a Korean-American family.  However, I was completely unprepared and there was no way to prepare for something like that in the 1 hour I was able to spend with my children last night.  As my students would say..."EPIC FAIL."  All I could think about was how sorry I was to miss yet another Korean holiday, and how terrible I was at being the "perfect mom." 
(I won't even bore you with the details of how I felt incredible guilt as I thought about my sons at their new babysitters house - a woman I actually haven't even had the opportunity to meet yet.)

Then I decided to change it.  I decided to indulge myself...I pulled into the next McDonalds and got the largest fountain Coke money could buy (a luxury I learned about from my dear sister-in-law Amy).  As I was pulling out of the parking lot I decided to pull myself up by the bootstraps and refocus.  I thought about how delicious that Coke was, I thought about the sun as it reflected off the bridge, I thought about the next jewelry designs I was going to make.  I thought about the fact that I actually have a job.  I thought about how great the rice cakes we were going to prepare and eat **tomorrow** for Chuseok were going to be.  I thought about the picture I have of Miles celebrating Chuseok with his foster mom and how I was going to post that on here today.  I thought about how great my dining room is going to look after I'm done redoing it, and I thought about how darn lucky I was. 

Did the night get easier then?  Not really.  Did I resolve to not be so whiny?  Yes, until I wrote this post.  Is today a new day that I am going to embrace?  Most definitely.


Elizabeth Frick said... Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

way to turn it around, mama!

stuckeyfisher said... Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Yes...a Coke from McDonald's is one of the best cures for almost anything you can imagine for just a buck! You simply can not afford to indulge in one as the need arises!!
Glad to hear it's medicinal charms helped you turn a corner. :)

Kristen said... Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

I hate that feeling that I'm not getting it right when it comes to my kids. If it makes you feel any better, we didn't really celebrate this year b/c everyone was sick earlier in the week and I was too lazy to get to the Asain market.