Yesterday was a bad day.
I had a hard day at work, I was hyper-focusing on negative things all day, and right before I was leaving I received an email that completely let the wind out of my sails. This year is hard. Students are pushing me in ways I never have been pushed before. Not discipline wise - which would be exhausting in a different way, but in a soul-sucking I'm-giving-you-all-I-got sort of way. This is where I struggle in my teaching....how much of my own passion and love of art am I willing to sacrifice? How much of my creativity do I allow others to take from me? How much do I give, knowing that I won't get it back? Okay, I know this seems incredibly melodramatic and selfish, but that is exactly what was going through my head as I drove home yesterday from work, knowing that when I got home I would have to give even more.
Here's the other thing....until yesterday I had forgotten about Chuseok - A Korean Fall Harvest Holiday that is a big deal. I wanted it to be a big deal in my family. I want to do everything I can to honor the fact that we are now a Korean-American family. However, I was completely unprepared and there was no way to prepare for something like that in the 1 hour I was able to spend with my children last night. As my students would say..."EPIC FAIL." All I could think about was how sorry I was to miss yet another Korean holiday, and how terrible I was at being the "perfect mom."
(I won't even bore you with the details of how I felt incredible guilt as I thought about my sons at their new babysitters house - a woman I actually haven't even had the opportunity to meet yet.)
Then I decided to change it. I decided to indulge myself...I pulled into the next McDonalds and got the largest fountain Coke money could buy (a luxury I learned about from my dear sister-in-law Amy). As I was pulling out of the parking lot I decided to pull myself up by the bootstraps and refocus. I thought about how delicious that Coke was, I thought about the sun as it reflected off the bridge, I thought about the next jewelry designs I was going to make. I thought about the fact that I actually have a job. I thought about how great the rice cakes we were going to prepare and eat **tomorrow** for Chuseok were going to be. I thought about the picture I have of Miles celebrating Chuseok with his foster mom and how I was going to post that on here today. I thought about how great my dining room is going to look after I'm done redoing it, and I thought about how darn lucky I was.
Did the night get easier then? Not really. Did I resolve to not be so whiny? Yes, until I wrote this post. Is today a new day that I am going to embrace? Most definitely.