Today started out like any other. The entire house slept while I got ready for work. I don't dread getting ready for work because right now I really like my job (it might also have to do with the fact that I have been on maternity leave more than I've actually been at school over the last year). In fact, unlike every other day everyone slept the entire time. There were no little footsteps outside the bathroom door and no one yelling "bear" and "da" from their bedroom.....until I was putting on my coat to leave. Just as I was sitting on our bed to say goodbye to Dustin and give him instructions for the day (he was still half asleep of course), Miles came out of his room carrying this giant laminated picture of - can you guess? - cars and trucks. He walked over to our room and climbed on my lap to show it to me. After a few brief minutes of cuddling I told him I had to go. He kept saying "bye bye" and held my hand while we walked to the door. Only when he realized that I was stepping over the babygate without him did the tears ensue. Create a mental picture if you could of a young toddler in tight pajamas and a terrible case of bedhead starting to cry tears of pure sadness and anger. A hissy fit of tears followed. Not just tears, but full-out stomping and flailing. He even flung his tiny little body onto the floor and buried his face in his hands - something I've never actually seen him do before. I stood there helpless while he carried on, suddenly questioning everything I thought I was doing right. He has never cried when I've left before....and it absolutely broke my heart into a million pieces.
Am I doing the right thing by going back to work? Do I work too much? I like working, but I suddenly feel terrible about it. Are my children missing out on something by me not being there?
Just then Dustin came out of the bedroom and scooped up Miles. By the time I was pulling out of the driveway he was just fine - waving at me from the window. But I wasn't. I cried all of the way to work. I had my own little hissy fit. I'm sure he has had a great day and was fine within minutes. It's taking me a little longer.