Shorts

You watch excitement wash over their faces on a daily basis and it never gets old.  You can tell when it's garbage day by the frantic running of tiny feet across a wooden floor combined with the sound of heavy trucks starting and stopping.  Your torso warms with light from inside at the shouting of, "That's Awesome!" partnered with large gestures toward the car transporter on the way to school.  You smile with genuine gratitude for the honking acknowledgement from a semi you don't know and the way it lights up their morning.  You live in a world full of boys.

*****

He sits now.  For entire minutes he sits and writes or draws.  He sounds out letters and tells you what is at the beginning of 83% of the words that leave your lips.  His sleeves barely reach his wrists and his torso is exposed to the brisk fall air on every shirt he owns.  Five is so big.  Five has almost turned into 6. But now, as he stands up on the giant stage before you, he suddenly looks so small.  You clamp your fingers around your chair and hold your breath so that you don't run up to the risers and sweep him up into your arms and brush the hair away from his eyes as he fits perfectly into the crook of your lap.  This little boy.  Your little boy.

*****

Questions.  You never knew there were so many questions in the world. You have been forced into becoming the encyclopedia of knowledge. You must know everything, including why autumn is called "fall" and why some dogs lick your face and some dogs don't.  You try to listen - to be present, but sometimes sometimes you just don't have it in you to fill the bottomless pit of his 3-year-old mind.  And those times, those are the times when you turn on Sesame Street and become the observer.

*****

In the chaos before the big metal doors you ask him if he wants you to walk him in, or if he wants to go by himself this time; knowing that he will want you, but also knowing that asking is the right thing to do.  This time he says "no" and you're stunned. A friend is running by and you watch as he nervously, yet fearlessly grabs his friend's hand and says, "I'll go with him."  You watch from outside as they navigate the crowd as two little birds in a sea of larger little birds. You could have never prepared for what this would feel like - a perfect cocktail of pride and sorrow.

*****

Those blue eyes.  You think about those baby blue eyes whenever you're not with him. Driving in the car. Sitting at work.  At the grocery store.  You play it cool, but being away from him is unbearable. 18 months ago you didn't know him.  Now your heart beats steady because it's met him.

*****

You're reminded of your past life daily, and yet wonder how it could have ever come and gone so quickly. You pull ticket stubs out of pockets that you hand hasn't dug through since you left. Your navigation device constantly reminds you which side of the road you should drive on, as though you are an outsider and don't belong here. You hear the accent draining from your childrens' voices, and their change in language.  You cling to the few words they have left, but realize it is all in vain.  There are days when you have to say out-loud, it was not a dream until you believe it.