sadness.

Things have been quiet here.  Well not here in Northern Ireland, but here in my heart.  It was a snowball effect really; starting off with no time to post about Liam's birthday, then escalating into this idea that I couldn't possibly post anything else until I had done my motherly duties as a blogger, and finally bulging into this silence situated between sadness and busyness.

I wanted this December to be different.  I even read a book called Doing December Differently.  I was going to focus on the things that matter at Christmas, and I was going to emphasize them to my children.  What started out as good intentions turned into exactly what I didn't want - lists, which turned into working too much, which turned into days where I would only see my children as I was running home for 15 minutes to nurse my youngest.  I did exactly what I promised myself I would never do again - I did too much. And in the midst of the busyness I lost a lot of things.  I lost my Christmas spirit.  I lost time with my children.  And I lost myself. 
What I found was sadness.

I've never associated Christmas with sadness, but this year it has crept up on me.  If you think about it, the Christmas story is so so sad.  A young teenage girl told that she will have a baby.  Probably ridiculed and rejected by society because of her pregnancy out of wedlock, giving birth in the worst of conditions without her mother or any medical doctor there to hold her hand, so in love with this tiny being that it scared her.  Knowing that he wasn't hers to keep.  As an adoptive mom and a birth mom, I suddenly find it all so somber.  I'm sad for Mary. 

I'm sad for the children and parents affected by violence in my home country.  I'm sad because my country can't figure out what to do, and no solution seems adequate.  I'm sad because I'm trying to figure out how I can move back to a place that disappoints me so much.  I'm sad because I also miss and love that place.

I'm sad because today I had to say goodbye to people I love.  I had to say goodbye...again...and it made me so sad...again.

I'm sad because I'm homesick for the people I love from the places I've called home.  Yes, that still happens.

I'm sad because lately I haven't had the patience my children deserve.

I'm sad because I can't catch up with emails I need to send to friends I miss dearly.

I'm sad because Christmas happens in just a few days and I have haven't had a chance to enjoy it.

I'm sad because, with the overseas travel time, we haven't received any Christmas cards from home yet.

I'm sad because I've wasted so much time being sad when I have so so much to rejoice in.

So I'm done.  I'm done being sad.

Tomorrow I'm getting on a plane with my little family and flying to a country I've never been to, on  continent I've never been to. 
I'm going to see my mom and dad, and my brother and sister-in-law.
I'm going to hit the calendar "pause" button until we get back next week. 
And when I return I'm going to start counting down to our Christmas.  We're going to pretend like Christmas hasn't already happened, and we're going to do it right.  We going to take the pressure off, and we're going to be what we need to be to make our family happy.  I'm pretty sure Jesus won't care the it's not on the 25th of December. 

And in the meantime I wish for all of you happiness this Christmas season.  I hope you've been better at it than me this year.  I hope that you are sharing it with people you love.  I hope you are figuring out a way to shine in a world that makes it so difficult sometimes. 

And I hope you'll share your light with me.  Because it only takes a spark to see what's around you.

We can be one another's light.