Random.

Today is the type of day where I just feel like sitting down and letting words fall out of me. 

This is officially the first "snow day" of the year.  And boy did I need it.  I mean, I didn't really need it, but I did really need it, you know?  Going back to work has been both wonderful and sad at the same time.  I don't want to go back to staying home, but I also find myself bitter of the 50 minutes I spend in my car everyday. Perhaps that is the control freak in me.  Who knows.

I am finally reading the book, The Lowland by my favorite author, Jhumpa Lahiri.  It was a book one of my friends gave me as a gift when they found out Unaccostumed Earth was my favorite book in the history of ever.  It's taken me two years to pick it up.  Part of me was afraid I wouldn't love it with all my heart.  I do love it.  I love her words.  I wish I could create just one thing as beautiful as her writing. 

When I first came back from Northern Ireland my dream job was to work in a bakery.  Not to own a bakery, but to knead dough and throw together pastries - homemade croissants and pop tarts with preserves from my garden.  I wanted to be the worker that unlocked the doors at 3 am and clocked out at 10.  It was a dream I quickly forgot as the year got away from me and it seemed impossible to live on a part-time hourly salary while still allowing my other half to do what he loves and also paying for the education I insisted on getting. All of the sudden I want that again and it fills the thoughts in my days.  An obsession.

Sometimes I love my kids so much that it hurts my heart.  These are times when I'm not consumed with a clean house or with fixing dinner.  Times when everyone has frozen in a moment that surrounds me.  Bedtime is the biggest contributor.  Saying their prayers and kissing me goodnight.  The tightening in my chest feels like it could suffocate me as I shoo away feelings of dread and despair. I can't stand to live in fear of losing a single one of them.  I don't understand how people move on after a tragedy.  I pray I never understand.