silence...

I have a teacher-friend (who shall remain nameless) who will sometimes lie about her days off.  For example, if we have a half day, she won't tell her husband, and will instead run to the mall to spend the afternoon eating Auntie Anne's pretzels and trying on expensive dresses at Macy's (I made that part up - I'm not sure what she does at the mall besides bask in alone time.)  I never quite understood or appreciated it...I mean, she does have more kids than me, so she definitely deserves it more than anyone I know.  But why lie?  Why not just tell your husband that it's a half-day and that you deserve to go to the mall by yourself?

Now I understand. 

It's about guilt.

Today I didn't have to go in to work until 1:00 for parent/teacher conferences.  Did I decide to go in early and work in my classroom? No.  Did I decide to give the sitter a morning break and frolic around town with my two kids?  Of course not.  Did I tell my husband that I had this gift of time?  Not until last night around 10:00pm. 
Not because he would have made me keep the boys.  Not because I was trying to pull one over on anyone.
It was because I feel guilty.  Who wants to admit that they don't want to spend their morning with their children...that they would rather be all alone in their house....sitting in their pajamas drinking coffee and blogging?  No one wants to admit that. (Which is why I think people always go overboard on social networking sites talking about how much they LOVE spending time with their kids - but that's a whole other blogging topic.)

The truth is that I am a mom.  I am a mom that tries REALLY hard to be a good mom.  But I am not just a mom.  I am a wife, a sister, a daughter, an artist, a photographer, a non-perfectionist, a hard worker, a teacher, and a thirty year old that wanted nothing more this morning than to sit in her pajamas drinking coffee in a silent house while blogging about it.