Day 7: Reminders

Tonight I decided to brave the elements and walk to a meeting I had at the school.  I started out driving, and when I almost got stuck in the driveway, I decided that the temperature was such that my fingertips wouldn't turn black on contact.  So I swung my car in park, ran in the house for a stocking cap, and then trudged the snow in the dark.  Actually, by some grace of God, nearly every sidewalk was shoveled and my "trudging" consisted more of normal walking on cement and jumping over two snowdrifts.  Hardly the brutal hike I had imagined when I first hopped into my car.

In fact...it was beautiful. I know I throw that word around like it's free candy, but I really mean it.

With an audible gasp I realized I miss nighttime.  (Then I realized I made an "audible gasp" and had to look around to make sure I was alone.) I miss being outside at night, which I so often was in Northern Ireland.  I miss the brisk sea air hitting my face, and a sky full of bright shining stars surrounding my family as we would walk back from dinner in the Main House.  I miss a brilliant glowing moon lighting my path, and the inevitable line coming from Dustin's lips, "We are going to steal...." followed by Miles shouting "...THE MOON!" as he points up at the sky.  (Despicable Me reference for those who haven't seen it 273 times.) I miss the twinkling lights of a town in the distance as seen from the edge of a cliff.  I miss the methodical spinning of lighthouses over the sea.

There is no need to go for a walk outside at night here.  Especially in the winter.  It never even occurred to me that I was missing any of this until tonight. I knew my heart ached for other things...but this was completely off my radar.

Today I am thankful for God's simple reminders.

Whether it is a smell, or a song, or the moon....the reminder of what was/is sacred to our souls. I miss all of those things, which makes me sad.  But I miss them because I loved them.  And to love something is to invite a taste of euphoria into your heart.

To be simply reminded of that...

Thank you.

The Year of Gratitude 

Day 6: Warmth

Today is the coldest day I ever remember recorded.  I'm no meterologist, but it's the coldest temperature I've ever taken notice of.  It's so cold that everyone has been told to stay inside and to not leave their homes unless it's an emergency.

Of course I wouldn't know since all I've done all day is open the door for three seconds to throw some snow out the door.

Today I am thankful for a warm house.

I'm tired of being indoors and sequestered to my house, but I'm in my house. My heat works.  My windows are drafty and old, but they're there.  Every once in awhile I have to stick my hands under the blanket to warm them as I sit on the couch, but I'm sitting on a couch.

The Year of Gratitude 

Day 5: Pause Button

I'm feeling much better today, thanks to all of you that wished me well...it worked.

And just in time to be snowed in by some huge snowstorm that shows no signs of quitting.  I'm starting to think that I should have taken the idea of stocking up my refrigerator and pantry more seriously yesterday.

I really love snow right now, but I think it is because I am becoming more of a home-body.  I find myself relieved to have an excuse to burrow into my house all day with nowhere to go, although I do at some point reach a dangerous place of restlessness and loneliness that could be considered borderline pathetic.

Dustin is the opposite.  He made everyone get dressed this morning at 9:30, which I thought was crazy-town.  I just pretended like I didn't hear him while I hid out in our study with my pajamas, slippers, and coffee.  He gets restless about one hour in and feels like he NEEDS to leave the house.  I would be perfectly happy sitting around in my pajamas all day.

The things is that it isn't just snowing nonstop - it's also windy and super duper cold.  Everyone is telling us to stay inside and never leave.  I'm just going to go ahead and listen, because sometimes it's just nice to have someone tell you exactly what to do.  Even when you have a million errands to run, and things to do, it is nice to just say, "My hands are tied!  I mustn't go anywhere!  The weatherman is threatening me with frostbit!"  Plus I drive the tiniest, most snow-hating car ever.  I really am forced to stay here and wait it out.

Today I am thankful for days when we are forced to hit the "pause" button.

I like to be productive to a fault.  It's nice when productivity is not only not expected, but forbidden.  And I think every once in awhile God sees that we're too busy, too stretched, trying too hard to avoid real feelings, so God gives us a Pause day so that we can take some deep breaths before facing it all tomorrow.

The Year of Gratitude 

Day 4: Backup

I have been sick today, so I almost forgot to post. I was fine this morning, but have been gradually getting worse all day.  Nothing specific, just tired and achy mixed with nausea - I hope that's the extent of it.

When I get sick I slightly panic that everything I had planned for the day isn't going to get done.  That my kids will starve and run circles around my sickbed while I groan and moan like I may die.

Luckily that isn't usually how it play out, because I have backup.

Today I am thankful that I don't have to parent alone.

I know plenty of people that do it, and do it well.  Some of my best friends have been/are single parents and they are amazing.  But on days like this - days when I don't want to get out of bed even to get a glass of water, and it's too cold for my kids to go outside, and the thought of fixing food makes me want to die - I understand and acknowledge that I am so lucky that I don't have to do any of this by myself.

I could elaborate, but I think you get the point.

Now back to bed.

p.s. And for those of you with your wild minds areelin' in the direction of babies and morning sickness - you need to shut that off.

Right now.

Goodnight.

The Year of Gratitude 

Day 3: Strong Women

A few years ago my niece was Spider Man for Halloween.  She also loves everything that would typically be labelled as a "boy" toy - including, but not limited to dinosaurs, superheroes, and dirtbikes.  I've always thought it was so cool.  In fact, I think it is cool everytime I see a little girl dressed as a Superhero that isn't wearing a miniskirt - like superpowers expand beyond sexism.

But I only have little boys.  How do I teach them that superpowers shouldn't just belong to socially awkward men or sexy women?

Then Disney did it for me.

Disclaimer: I haven't actually seen the movie, so this is all hear-say from my two older boys...so you can take it with a grain of salt.

Last week Miles and Liam went to see Frozen with my dad and husband.  They came back so excited about how much they loved the movie - begging to see it again as soon as possible.  That's not unusual - they love movies.

But all day yesterday was spent with them playing Elsa and Anna - the two main female heroines in the movie.  They weren't damsels in distress, or lovestruck.  They were just pretending to be super powerful and kind sisters.

Today I am thankful that my sons have good female role models. 

I'm no longer just talking about Elsa and Anna, or even Disney (who I don't actually endorse), but nearly all of the females in their lives seem super to them. Without a single other girl in our house, I sometimes worry about how they'll learn to love and treat women.  But when I look at their surroundings I can't help but hope that they are taking all of this in.  Soaking it up. 

Because even I am inspired by the people they are so lucky to know.

The Year of Gratitude 

Day 2, Questions

A few weeks ago Liam started asking me a lot of questions about dying and heaven.  Of course I gave him all of the right answers - the answers I remember my parents giving me when I would tiptoe out of my room at night distraught with worry.
But something inside me began to panic.  Somewhere along the way, without knowing it, I had lost my faith in heaven.

Not my faith in God, or Jesus, or his love for me, but heaven.  I mean it seems so scientifically improbable - this beautiful life after we leave earth.  I was suddenly terrified, but couldn't reconcile the realist shouting inside my ears.

So I began to read and research.  For the first time in my life I was an unbeliever that wanted so desperately to believe what I told my son.  I looked up first-person accounts, but at the same time was ashamed of what my lack of faith meant.  I knew that I was supposed to be blindly faithful, but at some point my disbelief had snuck up silently on me, and I felt like I just needed a little faith-boost. I prayed. I prayed hard that God would show me that heaven really did exist.  But ironically I didn't really want God to show me, if you know what I mean.

Today I am thankful for the hard questions that my little boy asks me.

I had lost my faith and didn't even realize it until he started quizzing me on whether we'd be together in the end.  I felt lost, but now I'm found.  God knew I was lost even when I was oblivious to it.

Of course I'm still delicate. I'm still reading. I'm still praying.

Because I want more than anything in the whole entire world for there to be a heaven.  I can't think of a life worth living without it.

This Christmas season I feel like those questions saved my life.

The Year of Gratitude 

Day 1, A New Year.

When I was little 2014 seemed so far away.  I was sure we'd all be driving flying cars by now and talking into our wrists.  I guess talking into our wrists is pretty close to what we do now.

I barely stayed up past 9:30 last night, crawling into bed and laughing with irony that I felt grateful to be in my bed with my book than out at some party trying to pretend like it was the BEST. NIGHT. EVER.  I don't blame "having children" on this attitude shift, but perhaps just "wising up".  I know that's boring.

But there is something beautiful about the new year.  A do over. Fresh days ahead. Resolutions and hope.

Today I am thankful for the marking of a new year.

When I look back at my life I think of the things that have happened to me in terms of years.

For example - in 2009 we brought home two babies, (Miles in April and Liam in December) I got my MFA at the Academy of Art, my aunt Marsha died suddenly, and I closed a business that was beautiful and amazing and under-appreciated.

Needless to say, I don't actually remember much about 2010.

Some years have been filled with set-backs and some with miracles.  Most are filled with both.

But when you start a new year you only have hope.

What I hope this year brings....

Two new healthy babies - one for each side of the family.

Healing for my father-in-law.

A brother and sister-in-law moving much closer to me.

A sister-in-law that gets into a college program she is perfectly suited for.

A brother that stays sober and works hard to do what's right.

Healthy parents.

Healthy children.

Uneventful doctor's appointments.

Sustainability doing what I love.

New projects.

New clients.

New art. 

A new attitude.

What do you hope 2014 brings?

The Year of Gratitude