This Month on Instagram...

Heavens to Betsy it's been too long.

I'm still here.

I'm still alive.

I can't wait to tell you all about our latest adventure.

Here's a clue...it takes place in a little tiny one-light town in surrounded by cornfields and old red barns.

And it involves a one-bedroom apartment.

And the universe deciding that by some fluke of luck we deserved to get jobs that we might just love.

I can't wait to tell you about it.

And I will....I promise.

But for right now, I want to tell you a little bit about our summer so far on this side of the ocean.  Actually, I want to show you with a special rendition of...

This Month on Instagram...

Breath in. Breath out.

That's me up there - three days before we left our home in Northern Ireland.

On a whim I decided to hike Fairhead by myself; something I've been saying I'd do since the moment I landing on Northern Irish soil.  I did it - that's me embracing the land that jutted to the sea. 

I haven't been able to look at this picture until now.

I've loved being back in the U.S., and back to where we called home before we left. I've loved running into people I know, and planning playdates with friends I've missed. I've missed them so much. It's been two weeks from this exact moment as I write this.

Breath in. Breath out.

But there are still moments where I begin to hyperventilate - moments of panic because everything isn't as easy as it was three weeks ago.  People aren't as friendly as three weeks ago.  My son doesn't use a knife and fork like he did three weeks ago. The soccer ball doesn't get kicked around as much as it did three weeks ago. 

I feel home-less right now - like no place is really my home.  I belong nowhere.  I feel like I'm floating - my feet just inches off the ground.

Breath in. Breath out.

I lie in bed and feel my chest clench up when I think that maybe we've made a mistake.  I hear people talking in grocery stores and I want to run into the restroom and cry. 

I remember I told a friend that I was so excited about moving here, to a small town, but I was worried about how I would fit in to this conservative little piece of the countryside.  She looked at me and told me in so many words, that it probably wasn't about me.  She looked me in the eye with so much seriousness and said, "Maybe you're being planted there for someone else." 

That makes everything feel right.

And it helps that so many people I love are here to fill my days with laughter - the kind of laughter I remember spilling out of my gut.

You see, I have magic people here too. Magic people that make my face hurt from too much smiling.  Magic people who love me even when I come home and all I want to talk about are the people I left.

You see, I am so so lucky.  I wish everyone was as lucky as I am to have friends such as these.

Breath in. Breath out.

But that doesn't mean that I don't long for the sound of the ocean, or the people that I lived with for two years.  I still do.

So much so that it hurts just a little too much to write about it yet.

But I want you to know that I'm okay.  I'm better than okay.  I'm loved.

The magic people.

Two noteworthy bits of magic happened this week:
On Monday, I unexpectedly got this in the mail...

 

A beautiful necklace made by a beautiful friend using a rock from the sea.  My sea. She somehow knew that I needed to feel the weight of this experience against my skin, to remember that it wasn't just a dream or a distant memory - that it is something I can carry with me - a part of me forever. 

And Tuesday I woke to this email from a friend...

The time has finally come. The packing. The goodbyes. The excitement. The "last time I'll do this". The anxiety. The packing. The crying. The questioning. The packing. An emotional roller coaster that no one can quite understand til it happens to them. You are leaving a legacy. And will be sorely missed. And leave a big hole in the hearts on the hill. But what an amazing thing you've done and what a great two years it's been. You will never ever regret this time, so be happy that it happened and be excited for the adventure that lies ahead! I know...easier said than done. It's actually really hard to be excited about the future sometimes. But it's gonna be great because you're great and your family is great and you do great things together. And you're smart and funny and a really good baker. So things must be great wherever you are. Take deep breaths (we're teaching Cecilia this technique too, it actually really works), smile, cry, take pictures (yes, more), go for your walks, and go for tea and scones. And eat them without guilt (I know you have no problem with this as an amateur foodie). And cross that big ocean with your head held high!!! Ok this is incredibly cheesy, but I mean every word. Just thought you might need a little encouragement right about now, though you may be in denial too (which is totally fine). See you on the flip side homie.
Love, kathleen 

So I'm going to go and be happy that it happened, and excited for what lies ahead.

I'm signing off now for a little while, at least until we get home.  Our plane leaves on Friday afternoon with all of us on board (hopefully - as long as we don't forget how to count to five).  I'm allowing myself to take a small break for a few days, maybe even a full week and then some.

My heart is breaking my friends.  My heart is breaking and bursting at the same time, and I have no idea how I'm supposed to go through all of these goodbyes and hellos with grace and authenticity.  I think I'm doing pretty well so far since I've only ugly cried 25 times this morning.  That's graceful, right?

So I'm allowing myself to do this privately, even though I want to remember these days, these moments for as long as I live.  Even though I want to have an open and authentic account for my children to read someday.  And even though I don't consider myself a private person; for now a mental photograph will have to do.

Don't worry about me though, I have magic people in my life.

What I Learned at Sports Day

 

A few weeks ago at school the boys had a Sports Day.  The weather was sunny, and if I dare say it, hot. I even broke out my highly neglected collection of sunscreen.

It was a fun day, and I learned so much about my boys just by watching them "do Sport."

I learned that Miles has a confidence that rivals most people I know.  He has fun in everything he does and doesn't care about winning.  (Or the rules that are set in place to determine a winner.)

Liam does care about rules and winning.  He gets embarrassed easily, especially by his mother who he told to "Sit down and don't talk" after she cheered furiously for him.

I also learned that I don't know Irish Gaelic enough to have a clue what anyone is saying.

A good day.

Where the magic happens.

 

One of the absolutely, without-a-doubt best parts of my job here is to hang out with the volunteers.  That's right...I get to just hang out for my job.  Not only that, but I get to hang out with people that I GENUINELY want to hang out with.  People that are hilarious and silly.  

 

Not only that, but I also get to help plan residentials for them where we go away and reconnect, or evaluate, or do silly things like scavenger hunts in the forest.

 

Last week we did one of my favorite residentials with them.  We laughed, they evaluated their years, danced when there was no music, made up songs, and I got to tell them how awesome I think they all are.

 

This, along with everything else, I will miss.

Ollie turned 10 months old...

...nearly 2 weeks ago.  But the pictures are still worth posting, right?

If I'm honest, the only noticeable difference are the gray hairs on my head as I follow him around and make sure he doesn't pull a bookshelf down on himself.  Why do we want them to crawl so badly again? I refuse to teach him to walk.

Not on my watch buddy.

Even with all that...his smile still stops my heart.

The Beginning...

This is the point in the process when we start to say goodbye.  I wanted to title this "The Beginning of the Goodbyes," but after some thought I realized I needed to rethink my approach.  This is just in fact the beginning of a different way of holding these friendships.

The thing is that I've already said "goodbye" to this group of people once.  It was the hardest goodbye I've ever had to say.  I would venture to say it left my heart broken.  But if I've learned ANYTHING from that goodbye, it's this...

 The world is small.  People will come back into your life.  Not as often, or as unexpectedly, but they will venture back. 

Plus, these crazy people had us out until 2:00 IN THE MORNING.  It was both the latest I've stayed up in two years, and the hardest I've danced in two years. 

The perfect way to say "goodbye".

Mostly because I only have the stamina to do this once every two years.

Those crazy kids.

I love them.